Staying Focused

Well, it has all come down to two more days for me before I will reunite with my dad for my brother's wedding.  Very good energy and thoughts have been sent my way and I want to share that I feel and am living with all of them from all of you.

My new brother, Michael, was very encouraging in a very short paragraph the other day that I needed to know and the time I read it. Michael wrote to me "Great Blog about walls.  "I know dad is as excited and nervous as you.  It will be a great moment...for all three of you." "I very much appreciated that and I was sure to thank him for it right away.

It will be a very busy couple of days at the office and a side trip to a leadership conference where I will be part of a team presenting before I head to Idaho.  I will return to Las Vegas to complete my obligations post wedding.  So, my main goal now is to stay focused on the moment and to not try to live outside of it for now. There will be plenty of time for that on Friday night and Saturday and the remainder of my lifetime beyond that I'm sure.

Even with a very faced pace week and end of the week travel and work schedule, I do have my eye and focus on the prize or gift in my situation. As James Allen quoted; "It is a process of diverting one's scattered forces into one powerful channel."  While easier said than done sometimes, it seems to be working for me.  I know that I am being driven by the power of my renewed spirit and the energy that it has given me.  This intense focus has allowed to me keep more than my normal pace this week and even without several of my regular Starbucks coffee shots.


Ready or not the hours are counting down and it is getting down to the wire.  So, I have my eyes on the stars and my feet firmly on the ground.

Remembering What Gave Me My Strength

As I have blogged recently, and as I narrow the days until I reunite with my dad, I have been through the gamut of emotions.  But more importantly, I have been reflecting on how and why I got to this moment in time and what gave me the strength to stay on course.

I believe we all learn at an early age in life; the age is probably very different for all of us; to do what is right for us, or to do what may not be right for us. Perhaps we choose to give in to peer pressure in order to gain popularity or even to just be accepted.  Like many of you, I would imagine that we all gave into peer pressure once or twice down the road.  I certainly know that I did...once or  twice.  I digress.  Regardless, when I was at that juncture in my life, I chose part of both paths.   I am very glad I did because that is what ended up molding me into the man and person I am today. 

Life as a child is a welcomed distant memory for me and the one I find myself reflecting on most these days.  Those memories that have come crashing back are so unbelievable and at times that I do not know what to do with them.  Talk about a light bulb going on.  Why would this be a welcomed distant memory you ask? Because it scared the hell out of me on most days.  For a little boy, I found myself in the grown up role many times, protecting myself, being the big brother and making sure everyone was behaving just to keep peace and the volatility low key.  I will leave it there for now.  This is when I learned how to be strong and to endure the unimaginable.  I needed someone to help me, but I knew that wasn't going to happen, so I helped my little sisters and mother, because I could. At the time, this was a story of desperation and I am not blogging about it because I am still sad by any stretch of the imagination.  I am blogging because I am embracing what turned out to be a very positive story because I learned how to be strong, believe in myself and protect the ones I loved.

Those experiences along that way, good, bad and indifferent catapulted me to young adult hood.  Then decided somewhere during my award winning military career that no matter who I would grow up to be that what was right was to be a good person. 

Then came the birth of my daughter, Chenin.  We can all agree that our children teach us many things along the way.  They may not realize it (because we do not share it with them), but their unconditional love and devotion to us should mold us into loving, caring and decent human beings. This is what happened to me.  It may not have hit me like a lightening bolt the day she was born, or even the day she turned four, but I knew it instantly the day she turned five was moved to another part of the state and would be away from my daily contact and assurance of my love.  I knew then, that I would move heaven and earth to be a good dad and be with her whenever I could.  Of course, having no role model for such an endeavor, I never even knew what that really meant. 

Along the way, I surely gave into more peer pressure and experimented like any young person who might have the temptation staring them in the face.  Some good, some not so good and some down right bad for me.  Nevertheless, despite having to endure the experiences of bad choices, I learned that some of those choices were not the smartest ones that I should have made and why.  Probably the most important part was the why.  So, my message today is that I learned from my mistakes, missed opportunities and misfortunes because I was able to muster up the strength to do so, focused on the love for my little girl, the fact that she needed me to be strong for her, I needed and wanted her and that I needed to stay focused and on a healthy path.

In retrospect, I suppose I am remembering all of these things now because I am preparing to reunite with my dad and I am painfully aware that there was so much that we both missed out on along the way, through no fault of our own.  But, I focus on that I did make my way.  Yes, I had many diversions, obstacles and hazards to overcome, but I was able to get through them and over them by applying the strength he and my mother gave me in my DNA to be a good and successful person, a good dad, friend and partner. 

So, while I have been reflective and emotional too, I am thankful for my journey and that it got me to this healthy place today in order to be ready to reunite with my dad, embrace new family and an unbelievable second chance at having a dad at age 52!

Emotions on High, But No Walls This Time

In less than a week, after over 50 years, I will be reunited with my dad!  Our separation was not one that either of us wanted and certainly one I never knew about until I was a young adult. From my Blog you will see that my mother made her choice many years ago to take my brother and I and move away from our dad.  She is not here to discuss the reasoning with her and I am not sure that it really matters at this point. 

Regardless, from a choice that was made for three of us long ago (three of us who did not have a vote), I made it my life's mission to make sure I knew all there was to know about my dad before my time on God's green earth was over.  Yes, it was on my bucket list!

Now, I believe I have given an incredible gift to my family.  My brother, Jim and I have a dad, four half brothers and one half sister (we never thought that was possible), the kids have a grandfather and there are so many nieces and nephews too.  All of them we need to get to know, just as much as they need to get to know all of us.

The emotions are completely overwhelming.   They encompass, joy, happiness, love of family and even fear.  There are moments I have to sit down and catch my breath from the anticipation of all of this.

Joy; this says it all.  I feel as if I was given a second chance in the father department and that makes me feel like a happy little kid.  A brand new experience for me to say the least.

Happiness; I am overwhelmed with this feeling with every waking moment.  Then, when I am at rest, I wake in the middle of the night believing that all of this is a dream.  I tear up at the drop of a nickle at anything sentimental these days and I find myself dealing with the fear of that too. 

Love of Family; I've always loved being a part of family.  I love and adore my family now.  They are all very special to me.  However, for many years, my brother, Jim and I only had each other. I was a young man when my mother died and then our sisters disengaged from the fold after their father died in 2002. There was too much drama and truth about their father that could not be accepted and I believe that ended up causing distance and ultimately they "wrote" us off.  Now, my brother and I have a chance to have some good times; something we never were able to really experience as young boys.

Fear; This is real for me. I believe it is fear of the unknown and of course the possibility of non acceptance for who I am, which to me may feel like rejection all over again. 

No matter the emotions, they are all my real emotions at the present time.  However, like anything I have ever done or accomplished in my life, I will embrace them and confront them head on. I will go into this reunion with my mind and heart wide open.  There are no obstacles in my way, I am proud of the person I have become, there has been time to get to know my dad over the phone before we reunite and I know he understands who I am and what I stand for.  So, unlike the times before, there will be no walls for me this time around.

You Do Make a Difference

I try to set out each day not thinking about the mistakes I might have made the day before.  Probably a real good idea for me, especially when I think of the last several days.  Nevertheless, I set out at work and in my personal life with the concept; how I can make a difference today.

I challenge myself to move my thoughts to a different place and contemplate something I have never done before. I look back on my "lessons learned" and question my assumptions. I try to find out why what I did before may have worked, why it failed and why the concept seemed to have promise in the first place.


See, just because something didn't work before, or perhaps we weren't to popular for it, does not mean you can't still learn from it. It may have been a humiliating failure or a roaring success, but there are still lessons to be learned in order to move on to the next thought or idea that may help make a diference for you or someone you care about or love.

Our past is our past.  Lord knows I've had one and I'd venture to guess we all have one with some moments in it that we'd rather not repeat.  What I took away from much of mine is that the experience helped me make a difference in my future.  While at the time I was going through some of those moments I may have been angry, felt let down or said some things that I wish I could take back, it was not the time for me to see the relevance or even a silver lining.  One thing is for sure, we learned from it. In more ways than one.  I'd even go out on a limb to say that I'll bet you are even a better person because of it and that you've made a difference in your life, your child's life and perhaps even with your family and friends too.

It is okay to re-live it, and re-evaluate what made it that success or failure and challenge your thinking. contemplate how you can do things better. Contemplate how you can take the knowledge learned in a whole new direction. Contemplate synthesis and re-organization. Think about consolidation and cutting out the nonesense and not repeating the same mistakes twice. Whatever needs to be done for you, try to do only those things.

Truly think outside the box and see what new combinations will occur in order for you to continue making a difference tomorrow and in the days yet to come.

More Than Good Enough

A very interesting statement. I heard it last night at a meeting and while not for the first time, it gave me pause to think about what it meant for me.

I have been passionate for most of my life at being the best at what I do and to be the best I can be. Why? It started with simple negative statements made to me by my stepfather, that I would "never amount to anything," or that "I would fail miserably at life."  There were more I assure you, but these resonated with me.  Great phrases for a young teenage boy to hear from a man, who was everything in these statements and a lot more.  Yet, he was wishing the same thing on me.  To share more of it would take months of blogging and I would require breaks in between.   

Regardless, from that moment on, I refused to believe him, broke away from him and my situation, and while there was a price attached to it for the family, it didn't really matter because I new I needed to believe in myself and that I would make a difference in this world.  I'm not even sure why I believed that I would, as there wasn't a male role model to show, explain the difference, or someone to learn from, but I just knew that I would be more and that I would try for more than "good enough." 

I know that I set out in my life on my 17th birthday.  I was fortunate to have an incredible boss, George Kimpton, who while he did not ask a lot of questions, just knew that I needed a place to call home before I would become a very young U.S. Navy man.  The Navy was very good to me in may respects.  I grew up, I learned about life, what was right and wrong and how to be a man.  There are many people I credit for that growth, but non more than the incredible woman I married, Linda.  While I had not completely figured out who I was and neither of us knew what would come next, we both needed each other for what we did not know at the time was the same thing, to prove who we were and that we were more than "good enough."  We both had similar backgrounds and upbringing.  There were somethings that I never shared with her out of shame at the time and I knew I had to come to grips with them myself first before I could begin to share them.  It was all a process for me to prove that I was a good man, the best I could be and surely wanted to be more.  I never settled for just "good enough."

Life continued and time passed and I became a dad myself.  It scared the life out of me at first.  I did not want to become the man that my "father" was, or at least I thought he was my father at the time.  Then, I woke up one day, when my daughter was still young enough to experience me as her dad, a very good dad and man who wanted everything good in the world to be hers, including me.  I wanted to be more than "good enough."  She certainly had a big role in showing me, through our own life experiences (yes, the good, bad and indifferent) that I was a dad she could be proud of and love unconditionally.  It was then, at a young age of 31, that I finally accepted the ghosts of the past and the gift of my future.  I knew then that I was more than "good enough," for accepting and believing in the real me.

Today, or better last night, when I heard the phrase again in this sentence; "is your life right now good enough?" I had to pause and wonder is that what I am settling for?  Have I achieved and do I have all the things in life to be more than just "good enough?"  Recently, I shared that I had set out on a 22-year search to map out my family for my daughter because I would not settle for what I knew and because I did not settle for "good enough," I found more than my family tree.  I found my dad.

Regardless, I certainly realize that I alone cannot be the judge of myself at being better than "good enough," because while I try to be, I do not know if I am more than just "good enough" all the time at what I do; being a partner, a dad, a friend, brother, etc., the list goes on an on.  All I know is that I strive daily for being more and having more in my life than just "good enough."

There are days when it is acceptable to have just "good enough," as so many in this world have so much less.  However, I will say that I do want more in my life and to share more about myself in my life than just "good enough."  There are some things I just cannot live without or will compromise.  They include; the love for family, passion in all aspects of life shared, not just one part or parts, and being able to live as the person I was born to be.

So, my revelation from last night and into this morning on the train ride was that I may not always get or give more than "good enough," but as as long as I do not compromise on my beliefs, I can live with that.  However, to know that I strive and have the passion in my soul for being more than "good enough," is really all that matters to me and I hope for many others too.

It is What it is...

In eight days and a wake up, I will reunite with my dad for the first time on over 50 years.  For all of those years, I have only been able to dream of this day.  All the while never imagining or expecting that it would actually happen.

Nevertheless, my tickets are purchased and arrangements have been made to make the 24-hour trek from my meeting in Las Vegas, Nevada to Boise, Idaho next Friday afternoon.  All in time for my brother's (the only one I have known my entire life) wedding on Saturday and to experience reuniting together with our dad.

You can only begin to imagine the emotions I have experienced over the past few weeks since my discovery.  There have been times that they have been so strong that they have kept me preoccupied wondering what to do next, or where do I go from here.  Something I really cannot afford with the current crazy busyness of my life.  Nevertheless, I have welcomed the emotions, embraced this experience and have done my best to express them to my family and friends.

However and oddly enough, sometimes I found myself not really able or in a position to share the full extent of these emotions. While distance has kept me sharing the completeness with some, there have been other factors too that I have not really been able to put my finger on.  Perhaps it is because there has not been a willing audience, who was really willing to be open to these sharing the emotions or my experience with me, or perhaps it is my fear of really letting those emotions out for fear that disappointment could win out.  Whatever those reason(s), I have decided not to focus on what didn't happen or what I would have liked to have happened.  I decided to take hold and go for it.  While I envisioned the experience of being reunited with my dad a little differently in my original plan, "it is what is" now. 

As I listed in my "wake-up call" today, I am not waiting.  I have taken charge and I am doing something about it in order to continue with this beauty I am experiencing in my life and to welcome the dream I am about to experience.

If You Can Imagine It...

I imagined more amazing beauty and times for my life and they became a reality...

An absolutely amazing July 4th holiday weekend meeting some wonderful new friends, as well as the opportunity to connect with more members of my "newly" discovered family. 

I connected with my brother, Michael and his wife, Jennifer, over the holiday weekend for the first time.  They were visiting dad and his mom in Buffalo and the news of this discovery became their reality too.  Michael and Jennifer reached out to me (complete with family photo) in order to share part of the excitement of their weekend with family, learning more about "the discovery" and then connecting with me.  Truly another amazing moment in time.

I trust all of you were also able to take in the meaning of the holiday weekend and enjoy the amazing feeling of being able to live free.  I made sure I took the time to thank the men and women who fought to give that right to me.

Today, I am imagining a productive day for both my personal and professional lives.  No doubt it will be a busy one at work, but I want to make time for me today, as well, so that I may finally move forward and away from my dilemma that I wrote about last week.  Nevertheless, it was a good weekend and I took time to focus on what it is I wanted and needed from the potential opportunity to reunite with my father at my brother's wedding in Idaho.

I want to thank everyone who shared their  thoughts and especially those in my family for reminding me that there really can be no dilemma for me, as I have dreamed of this moment in time for over 22 years, never knowing that it would ever even happen, let along come now during one of the most busy professional times for me.

Regardless, I routinely talk to my family and friends about "not living with regrets," and I believe that this time, I have to pay attention to that statement for myself now. 

I had a great conversation with my dad and his wife, Sandy last night.  I did not share with my dad that I would try to reunite with him in Idaho at the wedding, as I tend to want to hold off, so there can be no disappointments for any of us.  I did share with Sandy that I was going to see what I could work out to make the journey.  I could tell she was pleased at the thought for dad and myself.  I am too!

So, today as I imagine what tomorrow might bring, I am reminded that yesterday is gone and can never, ever return. The only time I can change is right now, so look out. A valuable reminder for all of us.