It is What it is...

In eight days and a wake up, I will reunite with my dad for the first time on over 50 years.  For all of those years, I have only been able to dream of this day.  All the while never imagining or expecting that it would actually happen.

Nevertheless, my tickets are purchased and arrangements have been made to make the 24-hour trek from my meeting in Las Vegas, Nevada to Boise, Idaho next Friday afternoon.  All in time for my brother's (the only one I have known my entire life) wedding on Saturday and to experience reuniting together with our dad.

You can only begin to imagine the emotions I have experienced over the past few weeks since my discovery.  There have been times that they have been so strong that they have kept me preoccupied wondering what to do next, or where do I go from here.  Something I really cannot afford with the current crazy busyness of my life.  Nevertheless, I have welcomed the emotions, embraced this experience and have done my best to express them to my family and friends.

However and oddly enough, sometimes I found myself not really able or in a position to share the full extent of these emotions. While distance has kept me sharing the completeness with some, there have been other factors too that I have not really been able to put my finger on.  Perhaps it is because there has not been a willing audience, who was really willing to be open to these sharing the emotions or my experience with me, or perhaps it is my fear of really letting those emotions out for fear that disappointment could win out.  Whatever those reason(s), I have decided not to focus on what didn't happen or what I would have liked to have happened.  I decided to take hold and go for it.  While I envisioned the experience of being reunited with my dad a little differently in my original plan, "it is what is" now. 

As I listed in my "wake-up call" today, I am not waiting.  I have taken charge and I am doing something about it in order to continue with this beauty I am experiencing in my life and to welcome the dream I am about to experience.

If You Can Imagine It...

I imagined more amazing beauty and times for my life and they became a reality...

An absolutely amazing July 4th holiday weekend meeting some wonderful new friends, as well as the opportunity to connect with more members of my "newly" discovered family. 

I connected with my brother, Michael and his wife, Jennifer, over the holiday weekend for the first time.  They were visiting dad and his mom in Buffalo and the news of this discovery became their reality too.  Michael and Jennifer reached out to me (complete with family photo) in order to share part of the excitement of their weekend with family, learning more about "the discovery" and then connecting with me.  Truly another amazing moment in time.

I trust all of you were also able to take in the meaning of the holiday weekend and enjoy the amazing feeling of being able to live free.  I made sure I took the time to thank the men and women who fought to give that right to me.

Today, I am imagining a productive day for both my personal and professional lives.  No doubt it will be a busy one at work, but I want to make time for me today, as well, so that I may finally move forward and away from my dilemma that I wrote about last week.  Nevertheless, it was a good weekend and I took time to focus on what it is I wanted and needed from the potential opportunity to reunite with my father at my brother's wedding in Idaho.

I want to thank everyone who shared their  thoughts and especially those in my family for reminding me that there really can be no dilemma for me, as I have dreamed of this moment in time for over 22 years, never knowing that it would ever even happen, let along come now during one of the most busy professional times for me.

Regardless, I routinely talk to my family and friends about "not living with regrets," and I believe that this time, I have to pay attention to that statement for myself now. 

I had a great conversation with my dad and his wife, Sandy last night.  I did not share with my dad that I would try to reunite with him in Idaho at the wedding, as I tend to want to hold off, so there can be no disappointments for any of us.  I did share with Sandy that I was going to see what I could work out to make the journey.  I could tell she was pleased at the thought for dad and myself.  I am too!

So, today as I imagine what tomorrow might bring, I am reminded that yesterday is gone and can never, ever return. The only time I can change is right now, so look out. A valuable reminder for all of us.

The Dilemma...

What an incredible day I had yesterday, both professionally and personally. 

I experienced a very good and productive day at work, was able to do my part to get caught up on my association responsibilities and above all, I had another great conversation with my dad. So, why do I have a dilemma? 

Well, my dad, whom I found recently and I have not been reunited with yet, informed me yesterday that he will be heading to Idaho in mid-July with his lovely wife to attend my older brother, Jim's wedding.  I am thrilled for my brother and he knows how much I love him and that I we have been there for each other in the past.  The issue is that I have had this prior commitment for well over a year now to be involved in a meeting in another state (where I am involved with others presenting) the very same weekend of their wedding. 

Now, for those of you who are just coming into the picture; finding my father has been a very recent and amazing discovery I made in early May 2011).  This discovery was the culmination of my 22-year on and off search to map out my really family tree, never even having a clue that I would in fact find my dad alive.  My brother's wedding and my meeting were already previously planned and mine well in advance of my brother's wedding and this amazing discovery. 

Now, our father is very much alive, starting to be a part of our lives via telephone and like us looking forward to finally being reunited. Now, I learn that he will be attending my brother's wedding! Amazing in of itself.  Please don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that all of theses cards came together and just in time for my brother like this; especially at this time in his life, when he has found true love, his own inner peace and then to have our father attend his wedding too.  So, back to my dilemma. 

Do I take a risk to try to work out a quick (less than 24-hour) detour to visit Idaho around my already planned meeting weekend in order to be there for this reunion with my brother (the only one I have known about until now) and our father, or do I let my brother have this amazing moment in time to himself before he is married and have my moment(s) in New York at a later date? 

Part of me initially thought that having a reunion like this might not be fair to my new sister-in-law on her wedding day.  Then, another part of me believes that because a wedding celebrates family and new beginnings, that the timing is more than perfect.

I am stuck with making my decision at the moment for many of my own personal reasons, all of which have merit and purpose.  But, the most important is my own selfish desire to have my own special moment(s) when I am reunited with my father and to share that moment with my family, as my brother will do at his wedding in July. 

So, my heart strings are being tugged and I am wondering...do I stay or do I go?

My First Letter to My Father

June 2011

Dad,

The first word is amazing to write let alone the words to follow, as I never thought any of what has transpired between us would ever be possible, let alone writing a letter to my “Dad” this Father’s Day.

No one more than me, except for Jimmy (Bobby) could ever understand how overwhelming and unbelievable finding you alive has been. However, I do hope and sense that it has made you as happy as it has made me. I have a sense of peace about me now knowing that the truth has been told and you are near, regardless of the distance between us.

I am grateful to David for being my connection to you and initially felt a bond start between us after I reached out. It told me a lot about the person you are when I found out that you long ago told your family all about Jimmy and me. I believe my heart skipped several beats when I received the note back from David within the same hour of reaching out to him acknowledging that I was your son and his brother.

I truly do not want any of us to dwell on any of the past. We cannot change it or get any of that time back and unfortunately, there were decisions made for us at the time, which set us on separate paths. I have a good life, am successful, have great kids and love is abundant in my life.

I wanted to thank you for sharing the letters, photos and documents with me in your letter. Pieces of the puzzle are coming together for us. Jimmy and I have talked over the course of this discovery and I am very pleased that he has reached out to you and is now happy that I kept strong and did not give up my search.

This has really opened up so many possibilities for my family and hopefully yours too. I know time has been both an enemy and friend. What we do with the time before us now will be the key to our future.

I know that you and Jimmy have been communicating and he told me that he asked you to see if it is possible to have you officiate his wedding. I know that it is a long shot, but truly amazing that we are even discussing it as a possibility. Unfortunately, at the present time, I will be missing this wedding because of work commitments out west. They have been planned for over a year now and tough to get out of. I have been there for him for almost everything else, but will still miss not being there to support him this time. It seems that he really has found a good one this time around. She seems good for him on so many levels. I am so happy to know that his life is good and that he is a good place now and that he has found peace with himself.

I may not attend church every Sunday, but I am a good person, have been a believer for many years. Because so many judge me, sometimes, I find it a bit more difficult for me to keep my faith, but I work through those issues and always come out on the positive side. I have a great life, awesome partner and family who love me, keep me on track and really have shown me what love and family truly means. My faith, my dreams, belief in myself and the strength and support of my family gave me the strength I needed to continue my search for you. I could go on and on about my feelings, but I sense you understand them and have experienced many of them over the years and now too.

Please know that I do love you. While you, Jimmy and I were not together, or that we never knew about you until we were adults, I praise God that you are there and especially that you gave me life. I am very grateful to learn that you fought hard to try to see us, no matter the consequences. That means the world to me to know.

I could see, for the first time, happiness in my mom’s eyes in the photos you provided me. That spoke volumes and did my heart such good. Her sister, Winnie, was so happy to see them too. She told me that she never knew that there was an actual wedding.

There are so many things I want to share with you, learn about you and know that you could help me with. So, I hope I get the opportunity to meet up with you again and soon.

I do know that all good things do come to those who wait.

I send much love, Mark

Yes, You Can Get Through Today!

It is Monday and quite a challenging day to get everything done that is on the plate, yours and otherwise.  So many have shared with me today and it is an exceptionally bad day.  Some of the reasons I will share in this Blog post today.  So, if you find that today is a particularly rough day for you, just remember - you can get through it.

If your boss is getting on your nerves so badly that you want to quit, remember - you can get through today.

If you feel like your relationships is so bad that you are contemplating a change, remember - you can get through today.

If the bills are pressing in on you and you're worried about losing your home, remember - you can get through today.

If the worst happens and you receive a foreclosure notice, repossession paperwork or a pink slip at work, remember - you can STILL get through today.

So much of life has to be taken one day at a time. And even when the worst happens, most of us still find the will to succeed. How many paraplegics ever thought they'd continue to enjoy life after experiencing a horrible accident? What man or woman ever believed they'd be just as happy single as they were when they were together in a relationsip? And what person who ever filed for bankruptcy could anticipate the joy they'd find in learning (finally) how to manage their finances?

No matter what your circumstances today - remember - YOU CAN GET THROUGH TODAY!!

I Feel Freedom At Last...or Almost at Least...

First let me say that I am very proud of my home state of New York for standing up for what is right and making a difference in our world.  The freedom for gay men and women to marry whom they love!  Amen!

Have you ever read the definition. Let me share it with you.
FREEDOM

1. the state of being free or at liberty rather than in confinement or under physical restraint: He won his freedom after a retrial.
2.  exemption from external control, interference, regulation, etc.
3. the power to determine action without restraint

From where I sit, I do believe this definition has not been fairly applied to all of us.
 
For whatever reason, society and our government has been involved a great deal of debate over the very rights that I fought for in this country.  The right to be free to live as myself and the right to be free to live and love and marry who I love. 

Over the course of history, we have certainly been here many times before.  Let's see, the right for Women to vote, for African Americans to have the same rights as their white brothers and the freedom for interracial couples to marry the ones they love.  Let me ask you when does all of this stop?  Haven't we learned from our forefathers that interfering in the rights of others is wrong no matter how you look at it? 

Why did I spend 21 years honorably serving my country and fought to protect only to continue to fight those who work hard to deny me what should be mine to cherish?  Oh, I understand that some believe that allowing me my freedoms will encroach on the sanctity of something grand, marriage.  Really, my brothers, sisters and I are the ones who are going to ruin the sanctity of marriage?  Has anyone looked at the current divorce rate in our country lately?  And I really don't want to get started here.  Can we talk about all of the straight men and women who are married that have done a good job marring that all on their own?  Something seems very wrong with this picture.

Nevertheless, over time, I have remained patient and on the sidelines and yes even hidden in fear of my beliefs.  I can no longer do that anymore and I hope there are others who will take a stand for what is not only the right thing to do, but because freedom is for all for all of us Americans and  it is what this country so proudly stands for. Every time I stand at a ball game or other event where we sing the Star Spangled Banner, I inevitably have tears streaming down my face because of the immense pride I have for this country and for my American heritage.

I believe that our differences do not have to cause infighting, war, hate or despair in this country on any level.  Our differences are what makes this county so great.  Our differences have been fought over for years on many levels as I mention above.  Differences so great that they are why our men and women in the armed forces continue to die today.

While I seem to have gotten off on a tangent here, there are similarities in my Blog discussion today, between what we fight so hard against within our own borders and the men and women of our armed forces fighting on foreign soil.  Regardless, I hope all of you will take a moment to notice that our youth continue to put their lives on the line for all of us. Do any of you take the time to read their names in the paper each week?  I certainly do!  Every Sunday, I say a prayer for them and their families and I thank God for their lives and their belief in something so grand, beautiful and honest, our freedom!

Life Can Begin at Any Age

I first heard this many years ago and ironically, it was my mother.  At the time, I was not convinced that it was possible for a life to begin in the middle.  Well, I am here to tell you that it is possible.

Larnelle Harris' song "I can begin again," from a few years ago, has resonated recently with me as of late.  While the lyrics of the song refer to loss, there is only hope throughout, which can begin with enjoying and living your life with passion and seeing it through the eyes of a child.  The message is very positive and keeps us focused only on what is truly important; that we can start over again with each new day. 

It is important to put the past behind you, feel free to dream and to not be afraid to reach out beyond what you may believe is not possible, in order to capture what is possible to have in your lives.

My life is far from a song, probably closer to a Lifetime Movie as of late, but nevertheless, it began for me later in life when I realized I needed to accept the past, the things I could not change and most importantly who I was and the impact I could make not only on my life, but in the world.  It is important for each of us to realize that we impact the world in ways that we never know until we are in the present moment.

In my Blog, I have discussed "Finding My Father."  That story is far from being complete, and as promised, I will continue to share it as time goes on.  What is so significant about "finding my father," is the timing of it all.  When I least expected it, or yes, had even given up that I would ever learn anything about him, let alone that he was alive, that miracle came true and just before my brother, Jimmy was to be married. 

While difficult to comprehend at the time for both of us, when I shared the news with my older brother (the only one I knew all my life), I was able to share what I believe is a gift for him; the gift of having a father (once an improbability) and just in time for his wedding.  To beat that, it appears that our dad will be able to officiate his wedding next month, a truly amazing gift, indeed.  This will be the first time that they have seen each other in over 53 years. 

There are all sorts of emotions for me attached to my brother's wedding in July.  You see, I have had prior commitments for the last year (never knowing any of what has transpired, including this wedding) keeping me from being in a position to make the actual wedding.   Regardless, the reunion with our dad at his wedding will be a perfect gift for my brother and his wife, Trina. One very positive and emotional moment that I can only begin to imagine. 

Oh, I will be involved in one way or the other, if I have anything to do or say about it.  I do take comfort in knowing that my belief in a dream, persistence, the willingness to see life through the eyes of a child and find beauty in my life has had an impact on the lives of my immediate family, my brother, Trina, her family, our dad's family and to all of you too whom I know have a heart. 

So, I leave you with this thought.  New beginnings as not just for the young. 

This can be your impact on the world and it has been for me.