Monday, July 11, 2011

Emotions on High, But No Walls This Time

In less than a week, after over 50 years, I will be reunited with my dad!  Our separation was not one that either of us wanted and certainly one I never knew about until I was a young adult. From my Blog you will see that my mother made her choice many years ago to take my brother and I and move away from our dad.  She is not here to discuss the reasoning with her and I am not sure that it really matters at this point. 

Regardless, from a choice that was made for three of us long ago (three of us who did not have a vote), I made it my life's mission to make sure I knew all there was to know about my dad before my time on God's green earth was over.  Yes, it was on my bucket list!

Now, I believe I have given an incredible gift to my family.  My brother, Jim and I have a dad, four half brothers and one half sister (we never thought that was possible), the kids have a grandfather and there are so many nieces and nephews too.  All of them we need to get to know, just as much as they need to get to know all of us.

The emotions are completely overwhelming.   They encompass, joy, happiness, love of family and even fear.  There are moments I have to sit down and catch my breath from the anticipation of all of this.

Joy; this says it all.  I feel as if I was given a second chance in the father department and that makes me feel like a happy little kid.  A brand new experience for me to say the least.

Happiness; I am overwhelmed with this feeling with every waking moment.  Then, when I am at rest, I wake in the middle of the night believing that all of this is a dream.  I tear up at the drop of a nickle at anything sentimental these days and I find myself dealing with the fear of that too. 

Love of Family; I've always loved being a part of family.  I love and adore my family now.  They are all very special to me.  However, for many years, my brother, Jim and I only had each other. I was a young man when my mother died and then our sisters disengaged from the fold after their father died in 2002. There was too much drama and truth about their father that could not be accepted and I believe that ended up causing distance and ultimately they "wrote" us off.  Now, my brother and I have a chance to have some good times; something we never were able to really experience as young boys.

Fear; This is real for me. I believe it is fear of the unknown and of course the possibility of non acceptance for who I am, which to me may feel like rejection all over again. 

No matter the emotions, they are all my real emotions at the present time.  However, like anything I have ever done or accomplished in my life, I will embrace them and confront them head on. I will go into this reunion with my mind and heart wide open.  There are no obstacles in my way, I am proud of the person I have become, there has been time to get to know my dad over the phone before we reunite and I know he understands who I am and what I stand for.  So, unlike the times before, there will be no walls for me this time around.

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